The Reluctant SI
by Ammadeau
Summary: Toji breaks and arm and a leg before he can become the 4th child so a new one has to be called in. Too bad he's not interested in the job.


The Reluctant SI 1:  
Toji Has a Little 'Accident' . . . Heh Heh Heh  
(A NGE SI Parody)  
By Ammadeau  
Roy.Fokker@UNSpacy.org  
http://Ammadeau.tripod.com/fanfiction.htm  
  
Note: Written on a half-asleep caffeine high, so don't expect it to   
make a lot of sense.  
  
***  
  
Somehow, on the day before he was to be chosen as the   
Fourth Child, Toji managed to break both an arm and a leg in a   
freak peeping incident, showing that fate did in fact have a sense of   
humor. The testing of Unit-03 had to proceed at once, however, so   
NERV needed a replacement pilot fast.  
Down in the hidden depths of Seele's err . . . hidden base,   
two shadowy figures spoke to one another, since they had tried just   
standing around looking mysterious and it wasn't working out.  
"I've heard of NERV's problem in finding a new pilot.   
They must defeat the Angels! I hate that team! Is Karou ready   
yet?"  
"Nah, still not pale enough," Robert Smith replied.  
Meanwhile, NERV was considering many other candidates.   
Gendo sat and flipped through glossy photographs while Fuyski (or   
whatever his name is), looked on, sipping at a Tab he had gotten   
from a computer.  
"How about Hikari?" Dr. F asked, eyeing a picture of the   
Pippy Longstocking wanna-be.  
"We already attempted to recruit her. However, she is quite   
determined to spend her time nursing Toji," TV's Gendo replied,   
not mentioning that her idea of 'nursing' was force-feeding the jock   
until he couldn't move. At the rate she was going, they wouldn't be   
able to fit him into the entry plug by the time he was out of the   
hospital.  
"How determined?" the former tutor of Yui asked the big   
boss man.  
"Let's just say that the agents we sent after her now need   
their own extended hospital stay, not to mention a personal   
urologist," The grand master G replied, tapping his hand with a   
nightstick.  
"Ouch. What about Kenske?"  
They both thought about hyperactive nerd boy in an EVA   
and shuddered. Next photo.  
"How about Pen-pen?"  
On the other side of Tokyo-3, the bird in question felt a   
sudden chill. It could be that he lived in a fridge. He shrugged,   
grabbed a beer, and settled down for a little Discovery channel.  
"Too young, unfortunately."  
Eventually, the two commanders of NERV decided to   
consult the source of all wisdom, the script . . ., I mean the Dead   
Sea Scrolls.  
Gendo said, "Here, I think I found the relevant passage.   
'And so if the chosen child shall injure himself, thou shall elect an   
author avatar to take his place. For he shall be an unbeatable smug   
bastard, but beware the aura of smooth. Amen.'"  
Gendo and Mr. F. nodded to each other in quiet satisfaction   
and made the call.   
And so NERV officials busted into the home of the author   
and dragged him away kicking and screaming for he had just   
gotten a shipment of anime DVDs in the mail and hadn't had the   
chance to watch any of them yet. One of the agents even nicked   
his Rei wallscroll, the bastard.  
Ammadeau was brought before the supreme commander of   
NERV, his highness Gendo Ikari, and his pet, the lovable Dr. F.   
They were currently in Gendo's massive office where part of the   
Tree of Life was blocked by the recently pilfered wallscroll.   
Astute watchers of the series know which part, which will be left   
unsaid because the author doesn't.  
"You have been designated the 4th child," Commander   
Ikari said in his usual 'oh so joyful' tone. One would not be   
surprised if he had once worked helpdesk. Actually, it would   
explain a number of things.  
"Pull the other one." Ammadeau was not currently as his   
best, after being shanghaied from his home by fictional characters.   
Besides, the floor was cold and he wasn't wearing any shoes.  
"Excuse me?" Mr. Ikari asked, not used to strangers telling   
him to pull things. That was a right usually reserved for close   
friends.  
"You must be joking."  
"I assure you that I'm completely serious."  
"Yes, Commander Ikari is always serious. He wouldn't   
know a joke if it bit him in the--"  
Dr. F's little aside was cut off by a boot to the mid-section.  
Amm tried to reason with the big kahuna of NERV. "But   
I'm not Japanese, not fourteen, and above all, not an anime   
character!"  
Gendo radiated enough smug self-confidence to kill flies at   
thirty paces. "We can fix all that. We can make you better,   
stronger, faster."  
"Really?" Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all.  
"No, not really."  
Ammadeau decided that he didn't like Gendo's grin one bit.   
Actually, he decided that he didn't like the whole Gendo at all.  
And so our not-so-lovable avatar was brought before   
NERV's chief scientist and the only person who could get away   
with wearing a bathing suit on duty, Dr. Ritsuko Akagi.  
"Strip," she instructed. It sounded as if a command that she   
was used to giving. There was also the fact that several of her   
assistants began to remove their clothes until they realized that she   
wasn't talking to them.  
"What do you mean?" He wondered if the bleach she used   
to dye her hair had started to effect her brain.  
"It's a verb that means, in this instance, to take off one's   
clothes, in this situation, your clothes. Is that clear enough for   
you?"  
There was no way that he was going to strip with two ladies   
watching (Maya was there but as usual only had a bit part), so it   
eventually came down to dragging over the screen from the pilot's   
changing room for him to stand behind.  
"Wo ho! Take it off!"  
Ammadeau peeked his head around the corner of the   
screen. "All right, which one of you said that?"  
Ritsuko and Maya looked at each other, baffled.   
Meanwhile, the mother component of the Magi was busy scolding   
the woman component for the previous outburst.  
"Okay, I'm done here," Amm shouted to them, feeling very   
embarrassed, not to mention cold. Didn't they believe in central   
heating at NERV?  
"We can tell," Maya and Ritsuko said simultaneously while   
thinking that Shinji could have been right that the screen was a   
little too thin after all. That might have explained why Asuka had   
been muttering about toothpicks one day.  
"What was that?"  
Ritsuko ducked the question by instructing Ammadeau,   
"Just get in the hatch on your right. It should close behind you."  
Ammadeau walked into a big metal tube that appeared to be   
somewhat like a smaller version of an entry plug. Once inside, the   
door snapped shut and it began to fill with LCL. It was not unlike   
drowning in warm, blood-flavored jello. Not that the author knows   
what's that like, of course.  
"Push the button, Maya," Ritsuko told her assistant.  
Maya hit the button shaped like a horse.  
There was a sudden flash of light and the smell of ozone.   
A much higher pitched voice than expected shouted, "Argh! I'm a   
girl now! Change me back! Change me back!"  
"Oops, wrong button," said Maya, embarrassed and finally   
getting a line in this story. Maya pushed the button shaped like a   
mushroom and there was another flash of light.  
"How do you feel now?" Ritsuko asked.  
"Shorter," Ammadeau replied, restored to his correct   
gender.  
"Okay, I'm opening the tube now. Get dressed and get back   
out here."  
The tube drained of LCL, gave Ammadeau a quick washing   
down of some very cold water, and dried him off with some very   
warm air. It was not unlike going to a car wash with the windows   
open, naked, and without a car.  
Amm did as he was told, finding his clothes not fitting as   
well as they once had. Maya had brought out a mirror so he could   
admire his new younger, anime self. He looked somewhat like   
Shinji, only with Kaji's hair. In other words, only resembling his   
previous self in the vaguest sense.  
"See? Now you're fourteen again."  
Ammadeau suddenly realized that this meant he'd have to   
go through high school again. He screamed and fainted.  
  
***  
  
Reluctant SI 2:  
Meet Your Fellow Pilots!  
(A NGE SI Parody)  
By Ammadeau  
Roy.Fokker@UNSpacy.org  
http://Ammadeau.tripod.com/fanfiction.htm  
  
Ammadeau woke from a nightmare in a very grey hospital   
wearing no more than a flimsy hosptial gown. He realized quickly   
that he was now an anime character who was destined to get torn   
apart and screamed again.  
As if that were some kind of signal, the door opened and in   
strode Misato in her usual brown dress, which supposedly had been   
ruined in episode one, and red jacket. She was carrying a beer   
which she had not-so-cleverly disguised as a soft drink by   
scribbling out the logo and writing 'Root Beer' on it with a felt   
marker.  
"Oh, so you're finally awake," she slurred. "Come on and   
get dressed, I'm here to take you home. I went through an entire   
case of beer waiting for you."  
"How long was I out for?"  
"For the whole commercial break."  
Amm flinched at the sound of the fourth wall cracking.   
"Where am I going to live?"  
"With me, of course. You're the new pilot, aren't you? The   
new pilot always lives with me in these fanfics, ignoring the fact   
that my apartment is crowded as it is." Another brick thrown at the   
fourth wall.  
Amm thought of living with Misato. She was a slob and a   
drunk, but that described half the college roommates he had had.   
He'd probably get along with Shinji, since he had no particular   
reason to use the boy as a doormat. He thought about living with   
Asuka . . . screamed and fainted again.  
  
Slap!  
Misato had decided that it was too soon for another   
commercial break and had woke him up the first way that had   
occurred to her. Besides, she was almost out of beer.  
"You know a kiss is more traditional," Ammadeau   
complained as he rubbed his cheek.  
"Not in anime," Misato replied with a Nabiki-like smirk.   
"Get changed quick, I'll wait outside."  
Amm found that his clothes had been replaced with   
something similar to what Shinji wore. At least these fit and   
weren't the standard god-boy fashions. No tight shorts, thank you   
very much.  
  
Upon reaching Misato's lovely apartment, introductions   
went all around. Naturally, Asuka went first.  
"I am the mighty Asuka, the greatest EVA pilot that has   
ever lived! Consider yourself blessed to be in my presence."  
"I thought Shinji had a higher sync ratio than you by now."  
Blam! Kapow! Crunch! (And other Batman sound effects.)  
And so Ammadeau learned the hard way that one should   
never insuate that her royal highness, heir to the throne of   
Germany, is anything less than the best.  
"Sorry about that," Shinji said as he helped Amm to his   
feet. "Asuka is a little high strung."  
"You mean that she's a total bitch," Ammadeau replied as   
he rubbed the new bruise on his skull.  
Wham! Heart-shaped clock to the head!  
Shinji helped Amm up, take two, who was now nursing an   
even larger bruise on his face. "You really shouldn't say things like   
that about her."  
"No kidding."  
"What was that?" Asuka shouted from her room, from   
where she had expertly thrown the timepiece from. "Are you two   
idiots talking about me again?"  
"No!" they both shouted back quickly.  
*It's official,* Ammadeau thought. *I'm in hell.*  
  
"My name's Shinji," the boy told Amm as he gave him an   
ice pack which he kept cool in case of Asuka attacks.  
Ammadeau gratefully accepted this and applied it to the   
swelling bump on his noggin. "I'm Ammadeau. It's nice to meet   
you, Shinji."  
They sat a few moments in silence, until Shinji said, "Are   
your parents dead?"  
"Nope."  
"Abandoned you when you were little?"  
"Nope."  
"Did something that left you permanently scarred,   
mentally?"  
"Nope."  
"Are secretly the clone of someone's mother and / or   
father?"  
"Nope. Where did you get that idea from?"  
Shinji shrugged. "Saw it on an old sci-fi movie."  
  
They were all settled in for a nice meal of instant ramen.   
Misato and Shinji were sitting to either side of Ammadeau, while   
Asuka was directly across from him. He suffered under the   
redhead's expert glare whenever he glanced in her direction. It was   
a look that promised extreme pain for a single misspoken word.  
"So what would you like to drink?" Misato asked after   
downing her first beer of the evening and leaning over to the fridge   
to get another.  
"What do you have?"  
"Well, we have a fine selection of beer, beer, and more   
beer."  
"Beer, beer, beer, beer, beer . . ." the chant drifted in from   
somewhere outside.  
"Do you have anything besides beer?"  
"We have stout, larger, port, and some whiskey."  
"Beer, beer, beer, beer, beer . . ."  
Asuka went over to the window, hefted a brick which she   
had been saving for just such an occasion, and chucked it hard.  
"Ouch!"  
Thankfully, the chanting stopped.  
"I'll just have some water then."  
  
"Why the heck to I have to go to middle school again? I   
hardly remember finishing high school!"  
"Dummkof! You're not the only college graduate they   
force to go through this!"  
Ammadeau mumbled to himself, "I will not ask if she got a   
degree in being a royal pain in the ass. I will not . . ."  
"What is that?" Asuka asked him, teeth bared and waving a   
book bag in a threatening manner. "Where you talking about me   
again?"  
"Yes, I was just remarking to myself how lovely you looked   
this morning. How your eyes sparkle in the sun and your hair is   
like a river of fire, burning my heart with desire," Ammadeau   
replied in a voice that was so thick with sarcasm that people   
mistook him for a helpdesk operator.  
Asuka huffed, turned he back on him, and started off for   
school. Amm had to wonder if her Akane Tendo impersonation   
was a bad sign. There was no way that he could put up with half   
the abuse that Ranma did.  
  
Ammadeau saw a familiar looking blue-haired girl on the   
way to school, so he walked up to her and said, "You're Rei   
Ayanami, the pilot of Unit-00, right?"  
"Yes."  
"I'm Ammadeau, the Forth Child. I'm going to be piloting   
Unit-03, at least until it goes crazy and has to be put down like a   
dog with rabies."  
"I know."  
Amm should have known better than to try and strike up a   
conversation with the amazing Wondergirl, but having started he   
felt that he couldn't give up until her got a response from her that   
was more than a few words. Ideally, something with a little   
emotion as well.  
"So, why do you bother reading books when you don't pay   
attention in class?"  
"The teacher is boring," Rei replied in her usual monotone.  
"Is it because all he ever talks about is the official cover   
story of the Second Impact, over and over again, without ever   
giving something like a test or doing something else constructive?"  
"Yes."  
Ammadeau struggled to think of something, anything, that   
would get him more than a one word response. There was one   
thing, but it would probably get him killed. Feeling that he was   
going to at least get maimed anyway, he figured what the heck.   
"So what's it like being the clone of Shinji's dead mom?"  
". . ." 


End file.
